Pastors – Look into Her Heart

A devotional read about the marriage relationship

 

 

 

Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.”

Carl Jung

 

“For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”

1 Samuel 16:7

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Recently, I was reviewing notes from a men’s event I attended last summer when a single sentence caught my eye. It was from a session led by an attachment therapist on tending to the heart in marriage. The sentence was simple, yet profound:

 

“What’s happening in your wife’s heart is more important than what’s happening between you.”

 

In my personal experience, and for many men I’ve worked with over the years, this is the opposite of how we usually approach relationships. Most men instinctively focus first on:

 

What’s happening around us (calendar, bills, sickness, stress, schedules, work)

What’s happening between us (connection, intimacy, communication, interactions)

Then, if there’s any leftover time or energy, we consider what’s happening within us (our longings, fears, pains, frustrations, guilt, grief)

Focusing on things in this order can have profound and lasting effects on a relationship—often negatively.

 

THE INTERIOR COUNTRY

 

The Bible uses the word heart nearly 1,000 times. It refers not merely to emotions but to the core of our being; our thoughts, feelings, will, and desires. When Jesus taught that what defiles a person is not what enters but what comes out of them, He emphasized the same truth—what happens inside shapes everything else.

 

As a pastor in New York for two decades, I’ve sat with countless couples who’ve lost their way. When we talk, they come armed with grievances about what’s happening between them but rarely with insight into what’s happening within each other. It’s like studying the boundaries of nations without knowing the cultural dynamics within them.

 

Your wife’s heart is such a landscape; vast, complex, sometimes arid and sometimes flourishing, shaped by forces both ancient and immediate. Entering this territory requires reverence and respect. The ground is holy.

 

Consider an ordinary Tuesday evening. You come home in a good mood but notice your wife seems withdrawn. She gives short answers at dinner and seems distracted, and your mind immediately constructs a narrative based on what’s happening between you. Perhaps she’s upset about a recent argument, losing interest, or silently punishing you.

 

But what if the invisible reality is entirely different? What if her withdrawn presence has nothing to do with you at all? Maybe she’s battling internal comparison after seeing a friend’s carefully curated social media post that morning, questioning if her body, career, or life measures up to impossible standards.

 

Or maybe as you share about your success at work, her subdued response sparks your insecurity. You wonder why she’s not celebrating your achievements. Yet, internally, she may be counting the hidden costs of your success, missed evenings with kids who grow too quickly, disrupted family rhythms, or increased burdens at home.

 

THE PATIENT WORK OF ATTENTION

 

With the insane pace of modern life, perhaps our most tragic loss is attention itself. We rarely truly see each other anymore. As a result, we often resort to quick fixes and techniques. But our spouse’s heart isn’t something we can scan like a barcode for immediate answers. Understanding it requires lingering, careful listening, and creating space for revelation.

 

This echoes the disciples’ experience on the Emmaus Road. They walked miles with Jesus, failing to recognize Him until later, exclaiming, “Were not our hearts burning within us while he talked?” The heart perceives truths the mind hasn’t yet processed. Recognition comes slowly, through presence and time.

 

How can we learn to recognize what’s happening in our wife’s heart?

 

1) Slow Down – Frederick Buechner wrote that God speaks through our lives, but if we’re moving too quickly, we’ll miss the message. The same applies to marriage. Your wife’s heart speaks softly in whispers, micro expressions, or the spaces between words. Move too quickly and you’ll overlook these subtle revelations.

 

2) Perspective – Resist the impulse to interpret her actions primarily through the lens of yourself. When she declines physical intimacy, your first thoughts may gravitate toward rejection or relational trouble. But perhaps her heart is caught up elsewhere, processing a harsh comment from a supervisor, wrestling with unrealistic societal images of beauty, or simply carrying exhaustion from always prioritizing everyone else’s needs above her own.

 

COUNTERCULTURAL ATTENTION

 

Attending to the heart runs directly counter to cultural values.

 

Our culture prizes speed; attending to the heart requires slowness. Your wife’s inner world unfolds through rhythms of trust and revelation, not efficiency metrics.

Our culture seeks immediate solutions; the heart asks us to dwell in mystery. We want simple steps for better communication or conflict resolution, but hearts resist such formulas. The Psalmist says, “Deep calls to deep.” Such depth demands reverence rather than technique.

Our culture celebrates visible achievements; attending to the heart honors invisible experience. Understanding your wife’s heart won’t earn public recognition. Like most sacred work, it remains hidden and profound.

 

REVERSING THE ORDER

 

Recently, I’ve recognized the importance of reversing my usual order. Instead of starting with external tasks and relational dynamics, I’m learning to prioritize the heart; my own and those closest to me. What’s happening within us matters far more than what’s happening around us.

 

This week, I’ve intentionally focused on the hearts of those I love and not just on surface interactions or logistics. Even in this short period, I’ve felt a noticeable shift.

 

Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship researcher, says, “Every conflict is really an opportunity to understand your partner better.” I’ve been trying to live this truth by going beneath the surface, seeking what’s happening in my wife’s heart and my own.

 

Attachment theory emphasizes that secure relationships aren’t about avoiding every disagreement but about creating emotional safety, where each partner feels seen, valued, and understood. Conflict isn’t the enemy; it’s often a symptom of deeper realities in the heart. I have been trying to prioritize those.

 

Sociologists similarly differentiate between surface culture (observable behaviors) and deep culture (hidden emotional worlds and values). Many marriages remain stuck because they obsess over surface issues without addressing deeper heart-level realities. I’m focusing on the deep culture of our marriage and not just the surface dynamics. 

 

Men are often socialized to value external solutions, “Fix it. Solve it. Move on.” But what if true strength means slowing down and paying attention to emotional currents beneath the surface? Imagine if every conflict became an opportunity for deeper intimacy instead of something to fix or avoid. I am trying to reimagine my relationships through that lens.

 

TENDING TO THE HEART

 

How can we practically develop this capacity to see beyond the surface? Here are some intentional steps:

 

Sabbath space: Create regular times of undistracted presence with your spouse; not to solve problems, but simply to be together. Ask questions inviting her inner thoughts: “What’s on your mind lately?” or “What are you looking forward to or dreading in this season?”

 

Remember her whole story: Your wife existed before you met, shaped by family history, experiences, cultural messages, and her spiritual journey. When her response seems disproportionate, consider what earlier chapters might be influencing her reaction.

 

Honor her complexity: Scripture doesn’t shy away from complexity; David was worshipper and adulterer, Peter courageous and cowardly. Similarly, your wife contains multitudes. She can simultaneously love and be irritated by you, feel confident professionally yet insecure socially, committed to your marriage yet sad about roads not taken.

 

Notice small relational bids: Jesus noticed subtle details revealing hearts such as the widow’s mite, a woman touching His cloak, and the fear in the disciples’ faces. Pay attention to subtle cues: tension around her eyes, the silence of disappointment, changes in posture signaling feeling unseen.

 

Create space for grief: The Psalms model authentic relationship including grief, doubt, and disappointment. Allow your wife to express difficult emotions without rushing her to solutions or corrections.

 

THE PATH FORWARD

 

A couple can live together fifty years and yet remain strangers, never knowing what lives inside each other. Many do. It’s a quiet, common, avoidable tragedy. I don’t want to go out like that.

 

Attending to the heart isn’t just about being a better husband (though you’ll become one). It isn’t just about intimacy or avoiding conflict. It’s about living in truth rather than illusion, knowing another human deeply, and savoring one of life’s greatest privileges.

 

The therapist was right. What’s happening in your wife’s heart matters more than what’s happening between you. Everything important happens there first.

 

Imagine approaching your spouse not as a problem to manage but as a beautiful mystery to behold. What if you stopped focusing solely on schedules, logistics, or surface issues and instead simply asked…

 

“What’s happening in your heart right now?”

 

In that simple question lies profound wisdom, and perhaps the recovery of wonder.

 

I’ll be asking that question more and more in the years ahead.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

Cheers.

 

 

Jon Tyson – Church of the City New York

 

 

 

Discussion Questions:

When it comes to your closest relationships, what keeps you from paying attention to the deeper issues of the heart, causing you to focus instead on tasks or surface interactions?

Reflecting on a recent conflict, what hidden emotions or unspoken hurts might the other person have been carrying, and how could seeing that reality have changed your response?

What uncomfortable truths or difficult emotions might you be avoiding by not slowing down to honestly look into your own heart?

If God were to fully reveal the current condition of your heart right now, what secret struggles, fears, or desires might come into the light?

What fears or insecurities arise in you at the thought of asking your spouse or someone important to you, “What’s truly going on in your heart right now?” and why